12.3.2011 – Martian Probe: Failed Alien Bio-Weapon? (for TruTV.com Conspiratorium)

Martian Probe: Failed Alien Bio-Weapon?

Benjamin J Spencer
By Benjamin J Spencer
December 3, 2011 12:23PM

ProbeEarth has plenty of reasons to worry when the failed Russian probe Phobos-Grunt eventually hurtles, flaming, out of orbit and crashes onto our planet. On Friday, the European Space Agency gave up trying to contact the craft, and even Russia appears ready to abandon hope a month after they mysteriously lost contact with it.

Not to worry, you might say. After all, didn’t German and U.S. satellites hurtle out of orbit much the same way earlier this year? That turned out fine. After which I would reply: you poor, deluded fool.

Phobos-Grunt, which could crash land as soon as January, is far deadlier than any hunk-of-junk satellite. First, it is loaded with tons of highly combustible rocket fuel intended to propel the craft on a course to the tiny, mysterious Martian moon Phobos (which, incidentally, may not be a moon at all, but a hollow satellite built by the Martians to house the remains of their dying civilization – or even a ship).

Compounding the insanity, a California lab decided to infest the probe with live microbes before sending it on its way to Mars, to the unease of scientists everywhere (the microbial morons also apparently forgot that deadly microbes become even deadlier in space.)  The only explanation for this move: it was a naïve college experiment to test the plot believability of Grade Z 1980s zombie movies.

Now to the real question: Was the probe even designed for space travel? Or was it intentionally prepared by Russia and China to become a giant flaming biological weapon and wreak havoc among Western governments? Or even worse: wage interplanetary biological war against Martians? (A dedicated YouTube researcher has laid out just such a chilling case.)

Ah, an alien nemesis. We knew it couldn’t have been just a coincidence that so many Mars probe missions have been mysteriously cursed.

But wait, there’s more. Now the Russians themselves have suggested that HAARP – the remote and high-tech Alaskan U.S. radar site that America claims is innocently studying the ionosphere – disrupted their communications to the probe, causing the failure. The HAARP project, well-known to the Conspiratorium, has been blamed for deliberately unleashing deadly storms and earthquakes. Could it be a giant weather weapon that took down little Phobos-Grunt?

So much intrigue surrounding one dead probe circling the Earth. No wonder that in Greek and Russian, Phobos-Grunt means, literally “fear soil.”
Photo by MKonair.

11.22.2011 – Conspiracy Roundup: Aliens, Yeti and Dolphins (Oh My!) (for TruTV.com Conspiratorium)

Conspiracy Roundup: Aliens, Yetis and Dolphins

Benjamin J Spencer
By Benjamin J Spencer
November 22, 2011 7:14AM

Dolphins photo by Jesslee Cuizon
Those smelly Yeti are leaving their tree-nests all over Siberia again, angering environmentalists with their wanton destruction. Patience, tree huggers. Give the Yeti time to develop ecological consciousness.

In Southern Ranches, Fla, elected officials secretly kept their plan to let the federal government build the nation’s largest illegal immigrant detention center from their own constituents for a decade. The town’s immigrant activists and immigrant-fearers now agree on something: they’re pissed.

The U.S. military may soon be able to identify you – yes, you there, hiding in that crowd – by your heartbeat, with Star Trek-style life-form readers.

Could this bizarre skull, mummified in a Peruvian city, be an alien?

After receiving an unspecified number of death threats, Herman Cain is officially the first Republican candidate to request and receive permission to employ the Secret Service as security.

Egad. Do we have yet another foiled New York City bomb plot?

Bored with simply smuggling us blow, Sinaola, the largest Mexican cartel, has been plotting to deliver major strikes to U.S. targets,in Mexico City.

Meet America’s elite marine mammal fighting force!

Italian scientists conducting experiments in what resembles the Galactic Senate Chamber from Star Wars (sans crappy CGI) thumb their noses at Einstein and conclude that neutrinos are faster than light.

11.18.2011 – Conspiracy Roundup: Goodbye Monkey Crotch. Hello Censorship (for TruTV.com Conspiratorium)

Conspiracy Roundup: Goodbye Monkey Crotch, Hello Censorship

Benjamin J Spencer
By Benjamin J Spencer
November 18, 2011 2:56PM
Gobi desert
Could the Congress-proposed Stop Internet Piracy Act result in censorship of the World Wide Web? Google, Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo, AOL,  and eBay seem to think so.

What are the gigantic, mysterious patterned structures spotted by Google Maps satellites in China’s Gobi desert? Messages to alien visitors? Target practice for missiles? Or simply an innocent tool to calibrate China’s spy satellites?

If upstate New Yorkers didn’t have enough reasons to distrust hydro-fracking, here’s another one: it’s suspected to have caused hundreds of small earthquakes in the Midwest.

Well, perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to follow Pakistan’s lead and ban “monkey crotch” on the internet and in text messages. No good can come from that phrase.

Why have the Feds suddenly become reluctant to continue declassifying decades-old spy satellite imagery? (And did anyone even know we have something called a “National Geo-Spatial Intelligence Agency”?)

And  Russia’s military chief warned that NATO expansion to its former satellite republics could provoke nuclear wars.

11.16.2011 – JFK Tapes Revealed: More Questions, Few Answers (for TruTV.com Conspiratorium)

JFK Tapes Revealed: More Questions, Few Answers

Benjamin J Spencer
By Benjamin J Spencer
November 16, 2011 2:38PM


We thought we knew everything about the JFK assassination – or at least, most of us figured we’d never know it all.

But today the AP reports that a major new piece of evidence is put up for auction in Philadelphia – a recording of calls made from officials aboard Air Force One right after the president’s Nov. 22, 1963 assassination…

At over two hours long, the tape, sold to the Raab Collection by the estate of long-dead Kennedy advisor Gen. Chester “Ted” Clifton Jr.,  contains 30 minutes more evidence than the official national archive copy – and a flurry of references to shadowy figures identified only by code names straight out of Ian Fleming.

Who, for example, is “Monument” ? And “W.T.E.”? All mentioned by Air Force One staff after the assassination. Not to mention a contact known only as “John”?

And though the new tape supposedly clears up the location of JFK’s nemesis, Air Force General
Curtis LeMay – who some theorists suspect of involvement in the assassination – it raises far more mysteries than it answers.

What do you think?

11.11.2011 – Conspiracy Roundup: Satanic Rituals? (for TruTV.com Conspiratorium)

Conspiracy Roundup: Satanic Rituals

Benjamin J Spencer
By Benjamin J Spencer
November 11, 2011 4:49PM

Poster_363px_REUTERS-LandovThere’s a new drug war brewing. This time, it’s between Anonymous and the Mexican cartels, as their campaign of terror against bloggers and social media continues.

Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson’s “doctor,” speaks! We still want to know if MJ actually faked his death.

The mysterious (and very, very obscure) Lake Ogopogo Monster – revealed? This guy with a video camera seems to think so.

Was a “Satanic ritual” (and threesome) behind the alleged sexual assault and stabbing of a man?

How much does the internet weigh? About as much as a strawberry, according to this dude. (Here’s another ridiculous fact, courtesy of yours truly: if all the sites on the internet were a strawberry, the non-pornographic sites on the internet would only comprise about the stem and maybe a couple of those leaf thingies.)

And Japanese researchers have taken a giant robotic step toward our inevitable future subjugation by… robots, of course. Asimo, the world’s most advanced robot, has been vastly improved.

11.4.2011 – Bloodthirsty “Beliebers” Berate Baby-Mama (for truTV.com Dumb as a Blog)

Dumb News: Bloodthirsty “Beliebers” berate baby-mama

by Benjamin Spencer
November 4, 2011 4:58 PM
10,000 maniacs
 Legions of Bielibers are threatening to destroy the 20-year-old who dared claim she had a child by the floppy-haired teen idol. How else can you explain this Tweet-fest of homicidal pre-teen bloodthirst?  [Fox News]Fun with Xanax This mother was just trying to protect her kids. Anybody could see that damn mailbox was up to no good. [Orlando Sun-Sentinel]

Hey kid, break me off a piece of that…whoah, never mind This 10-year-old trick-or-treater really, REALLY can’t take a joke. [MSNBC]

Sex on the brain Well, this is one way to become the instant fantasy heroine of Jeopardy nerds worldwide. [Guyism]

Canadian gaffe See, this Canadian politician’s problem was that he told this joke at a swearing-in ceremony. It was more appropriate for the big white supremacist convention. He just misjudged the crowd. [CBC News]

In Germany, cows die happier I’ll have my steak well-done – and preferably happy, please. ShortList

10.20.2011 – The 15 Dumbest Quotes about Nazis Ever Said by Famous People – TruTV.com

Hitler cat says “Before calling someone a Nazi, make sure they’re actually a Nazi.”

15 Dumb Things Said by Famous People about Nazis

Famous people love to compare other people to Hitler and the Nazis, and this list proves that. But why can’t celebrities resist making irresponsible and ignorant Nazi analogies? Here is a theory: they’re dumb. That class of pampered peacocks are drooling doofuses when it comes to either history or appropriate rhetorical devices.

First off, historically speaking, you’d be hard-pressed to find an organization as ruthlessly competent as the Nazis. The sheer global magnitude of their malevolent carnage is unprecedented. So give the devil his due. If you’re going to compare someone to the Nazi Party, then they have some big, blood-slicked jackboots to fill. Anyone who has a basic understanding of history should know this. While we’re on this topic, there is never any reason to express any sympathy for Hitler. He was a madman whose paranoia, cruelty, and arrogance overshadowed whatever talents he might or might not have had.

Also: it goes without saying that the first person to invoke the Nazi Party or Hitler has lost whatever argument they are in. This is a fact. Unless the argument is about who was more evil, Himmler or Goebbels. The the correct answer is “Both of those Nazi bastards were evil.” Playing the “Nazi card” is just crying Uncle. It means you’re not smart enough to win whatever debate you’re in.

The following celebrities all made public references to Nazis and Hitler, and therefore, deserve to be mocked accordingly.

1. “The last [Pope]. Not this Nazi one we have now.”

— Susan Sarandon, at the Hamptons International Film Festival The critically-acclaimed actress was talking about the current Pope Benedict, when she revealed during a public discussion that she had sent a copy of the book her movie “Dead Man Walking” was based on to the previous Pope John-Paul II.

2. “Do you remember the golf game they (Obama and House Speaker John Boehner) had, ladies and gentlemen?…That was one of the worst political mistakes ever. That turned a lot of people off….Come on! Come on! It would be like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu!….With the shape this country is in? …They’re the enemy! Obama! And Biden! Are you kiddin’ me, the Three Stooges!”

— Country music star Hank Williams, Jr., with the comments he made Oct. 3 on Fox News’ “Fox and Friends” that got his musical intro pulled from ESPN’s “Monday Night Football”

3. “I walk through the hotel and I walk down the street and people look at me like I’m f****** insane, like I’m Hitler…..One day the light will shine through and one day people will understand everything I ever did.”

— A master of the self-pitying/self-glorifying gaffe, rapper Kanye West delivered this gem, where he appears to claim that he is more hated than Hitler, during his set at England’s Big Chill Festival last August (2011).

4. “For a long time, I thought I was a Jew and I was happy to be a Jew…. But then I found out I was actually a Nazi. My family were German. And that also gave me some pleasure. What can I say….I understand Hitler…..I think he did some wrong things, yes, absolutely, but I can see him sitting in his bunker. … I understand much about him and I sympathize with him a bit.”

— Internationally renown Danish movie director Lars Von Trier, a self-confessed provocateur, seems to actually regret this particular quote he delivered this year at Cannes, as it caused the festival to ban him from the premises forever and France to consider charges against him under a law that makes public Nazi sympathizing a crime.

5. ”I admired Hitler for instance because he came from being a little man with almost no formal education, up to power. And I admire him for being such a good public speaker and for his way of getting to the people and so on. But I didn’t admire him for what he did with it.”

— In unused outtakes for the 1977 documentary “Pumping Iron”, then world weightlifting champ Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked who he had admired as a child and made this startlingly ill-advised statement, which his campaign later released when the footage was dug up during his 2003 run for California governor. Seems the Governator wasn’t endorsing Hitler’s policies, just explaining his childhood admiration for powerful men – and he mentioned John F. Kennedy in the same interview. Still dumb.

6. “It is liberalism that’s the closest you can get to Naziism and socialism. It’s all bundled up under the socialist banner. There are far more similarities between Nancy Pelosi and Adolf Hitler than between these people showing up at town halls to protest a Hitler-like policy that’s being heralded by a Hitler-like logo……Just put up the Obama logo and then the Nazi logo side by side there.”

— Conservative radio host and author Rush Limbaugh, from an August 6, 2009 rant about liberalism and Naziism on Limbaugh’s radio show. Limbaugh, of course, coined the ubiquitous 1990s term “feminazi” to describe women’s lib activists. Honestly, we could probably run a Top Gazillion Limbaugh Nazi analogies column and run it constantly for the rest of the year.

7. “Hitler is an easy scapegoat throughout history and it’s been used cheaply. We can’t judge people as only ‘bad’ or ‘good’. (Hitler) is the product of a series of actions…. I’ve been able to walk in Stalin’s shoes and Hitler’s shoes, to understand their point of view. You cannot approach history unless you have empathy for the person you may hate.”

— Move director and provocateur Oliver Stone said this on January 9, 2010 while addressing T.V. critics in Pasadena and talking about his new Showtime series.

8. “He’s like Napoleon and he wants to create this insane, infamous mad-man reputation. He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he’s a nightmare to work for but when you get him away from set, and he’s not in director mode, I kind of really enjoy his personality because he’s so awkward, so hopelessly awkward. He has no social skills at all. And it’s endearing to watch him.”

— Model and actress Megan Fox. With these 2009 comments about film director Michael Bay in British magazine Wonderland, Fox managed to make enemies of both Bay and Transformers executive producer Steven Spielberg — not a great career move. She was subsequently fired from or resigned from the Transformers movie series, depending on who is quoted.

9. “They say it’s a government takeover of health care, a big lie just like Goebbels…You say it enough, you repeat the lie, you repeat the lie, and eventually, people believe it. Like blood libel. That’s the same kind of thing…..The Germans said enough about the Jews and people believed it—believed it and you have the Holocaust.”

— Rep. Steve Cohen (D-TN). In this January 18, 2011 rant on the House floor, Cohen ventured into absurdity by comparing Republicans opposed to Obama’s health care plan to Nazis. Luckily most of the legislators were either absent or napping.

10. ”You got to have an enemy to fight. And when you have an enemy to fight, then you can unite the entire world behind you, and you seize power. That was Hitler’s plan. His enemy: the Jew. Al Gore’s enemy, the U.N.’s enemy: global warming. Then you get the scientists — eugenics. You get the scientists — global warming. Then you have to discredit the scientists who say, ‘That’s not right.’ And you must silence all dissenting voices. That’s what Hitler did.”

— From conservative broadcaster Glenn Beck’s April 30, 2007 radio talk show. So many inciting statements have issued from the conservative stalwart’s mouth that whole websites are devoted to them -and in 2010, Washington Post columnist Dana Milbank put the tally of Nazi references on Beck’s now-cancelled Fox News show at 202, with 147 mentions of Hitler in particular.

11. “And two or three of these people who did call up and mention my name actually got phone calls from FOX security. Which is, you know, fascinating if, you know, we’re living in, say, Nazi Germany, it’s a good idea, otherwise, it’s kind of a—you want to arrest people who disagree with you. “

— Former MSNBC host Keith Olbermann. On a March 15, 2006 episode of Comedy Central’s “The Colbert Report”, the cable news commentator claimed that callers to Fox News “O’Reilly Factor” were hounded by that network’s security just for mentioning Olbermann’s name. He then (sigh) compared them to Nazis.

12. “Obama legally kills babies and now he can legally kill Grandmas! Hitler did this. He killed the weak, the sick, the old, and babies and races/religions he didn’t like. Hitler also controlled the media. (Where’s the public debate between scientists on ‘Climate Change/Global Warming?’) Hitler had the VW bug invented as the state car. What will O’s nationalized car be? So — kill off the weak. That’s the plan.”

— Former “Saturday Night Live” cast member and conservative Christian activist Victoria Jackson. Jackson, a well-known conservative darling who has in recent years been thrust, unseasoned, into the oven of political discourse, posted this scintillating comparison on July 7, 2009 as part of a rambling rant on conservative pundit Andrew Breitbart’s “Big Hollwood” blog.

13. “What’s the difference between the Ku Klux Klan and Arianna Huffington? What’s the difference?… I don’t see any difference between Huffington and the Nazis…. They both want people to die, don’t they?”

— Fox News’ “O’Reilly Factor” host Bill O’Reilly. From a February 27, 2008 episode of “O’Reilly Factor”. O’Reilly was angry about a reader’s comment about Nancy Reagan that appeared under a Huffington Post story.

14. “Listen, I don’t condone Hitler one ounce, but yes, he was a brilliant man. Can you guys say that he wasn’t? He ran a country and convinced everyone of horrible things.”

— Singer and Playboy model Aubrey O’Day. O’Day put her foot in mouth on an August 31, 2009 episode of “The Sean Hannity Show” on Fox News. Afterward she attempted to explain her position to TMZ.com, but only succeeded in burying herself deeper.

15. “No, but I love Hitler and people like you would be dead today. Your mothers, your forefathers, would all be f****** gassed and f****** dead.”

— British fashion designer John Galliano. This outburst likely destroyed Galliano’s career. He was drunk in a Paris bar last winter when he uttered these insults to a woman nearby. A friend of the woman filmed it all and the video circulated on television and on the Internet. Galliano was recently found guilty by a French court of committing public injury and fined 6000 euros.